I know you see me hurting

I went to an outing the other day; 

Tried to put a smile on my face.

When I just tried to blend right in

Others worried for my pace. 

The lectures of my healing

or lack there of they thought

I hadn't heard  from them for so long.

But this is what they sought. 

A friend ,a dear one, grabbed my arm

Said "I am worried for you my friend.

Your son  wouldn't want you sad.

He would want you smiling living life.

He wouldn't want you feeling bad."

"I wouldn't tell you this;  If I didn't care.

I hate to see you in so much pain.

Its almost too much to bear. 

Please just smile and try real hard.

It will get easier each day. "

These words I know meant as a comfort.

From one who hasn't been around.

Never a visit to the hospital.

Nor in the 6 months I have mourned.

The pain friends have of knowing our loss.

They feel helpless in their lives 

They want so badly to be a help

But Really not knowing how. 

BELIEVE ME WE GET IT.

But  never losing or having a child.

I don't think they have   a clue.

They are not alone in their thinking though

Because MY family says it too. 

The pain of grief that I feel .

Goes so beyond  the brain.

And I hear what they say;

I can actually rationalize that all day.

It doesn't work that way my friends.

Thank you for your love.

My heart and womb is what hurts.

You can tell me all you want

On how I'm  supposed to feel. 

This isn't helpful though in my grief. 

Please LISTEN to what I say. 

I know you  see me hurting.

I know my tears make it hard 

I know the uncomfortableness that my grief brings you

I wish I didn't share. 

I wish I could keep  it all inside. 

Put a smile upon my face. 

I know that would make you happy. 

I know that would ease YOUR pain. 

But you are not his mother. 

Lifes not supposed to be this way. 

Believe me I wish it were different. 

I know what my child would want. 

I know if he were here.. He'd say..

Mom do what you want. 

You know yourself best mom. 

Don't feel pressured to feel a certain way. 

Mom i love you , I know you hurt. 

Just make it through the day. 

The grief of losing my child.

Is not one I ever thought.

I know you search for words of comfort.

And in the end you feel like they were not.

Please know I do not hate you.

I could never feel that way.

Please know that I love your concern

It helps me enormously to have you reach out in any way. 

Let me feel my tears. and emotions

Be OK if they build inside my eye. 

I lost my son and watched him die.

And for that there is no magic pill 

To make this ever be  all right. 

I can't pretend happy.

I don't wear masks all that well.

I try as hard as I can 

I'm up and dressed and still HERE. 

I think Im doing swell! 

 If you want to help console me. 

Try and listen to what I say. 

Please just know that he was a part of me

He grew inside my belly. 

I was and am his mother

I miss him every day.

Not a moment goes by I don't think of him.

And that will never change.

Mothers who have lost their children

To a horrific disease as he. 

We live by seconds with out them

And each second is an eternity. 

60 seconds a minute. 

3600 seconds an hour. 

86,400 seconds each day

31,536,000 seconds each year. 

1, 576,800,000 seconds is 50 years. 

This is our reality. 

The eternity of our hurt. 

Try and understand

Time doesn't heal this wound

It only just compounds .

You my friend are the cure

I wish you see that's true. 

Its only with your love and help

That I will see this through.