When my father died at age 82, I was 40 years old and for the first time in my life I understood grief. No one can prepare you for the passing of a love one and the deep sorrow and anguish you will inevitably experience. As I am writing this article one (1) year and six (6) months later, my anguish and sorrow is still very present but it has abated somewhat.

Your current anguish and sorrow at the passing of your loved one will also subside at some point, if you decisively deal with your grief and bereavement.

Before I help you along the process of healing your grief and bereavement, I want to express my deepest sympathy to you for the loss of your loved one - your spouse, your child, your parent, your cousin, your best friend, your grandparent, your step parent, your favourite relative, your sister, your brother, your special friend, your god parent, whoever your loved one was.

Coping with death or the loss of a loved one can seem insurmountable but it is not. The following tips will help to soothe your grief and bereavement and set you on the road to healing and recovery. The grieving process is usually slow and you can take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your loved one. Do not let anyone tell you when your period of grieving should be over. It varies for everyone and as Anne Grant (1755-1838) wisely puts it, "Grief is a process, not a state."

1. Cry, cry... and cry some more.

"Jesus wept (Luke 11:35)." Yes, Jesus, a big man and a very public figure wept in front of Lazarus' sisters - Martha and Mary - and the "... many Judeans [who] had come to see Martha and Mary to comfort them about their brother's death (Luke 11:19)." So whoever said that "Big boys don't cry," lied! Whether you're a grown man or a grown woman, cry all you need to. If you weren't supposed to cry, you would not have any tear glands. So use them.

Each tear you shed will bring you closer to healing the grief, sorrow and anguish you feel in this time of bereavement. At first it will be 'head-hurting' tears. By that I mean that your head will feel as though it will split but as time goes by the headaches will go away and the tears will subside.

I cried like this for the twelve (12) days from my Dad's death on December 8 to his burial on December 20 and for about one (1) month after his burial. So go ahead and cry because as the Turkish proverb says, "He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it."

2. Remember the good times... and those annoying habits too.

Reminiscing about your loved one will help you on towards healing. At first, each memory will just cause you immense pain; so much so that you won't want to think any more. Go ahead, remember and yes think about all the things that made your loved one unique and special to you. Go down memory lane to wherever your mind takes you. The memories will just come and, along with them, profound realization of all the things you will never be able to do again with your loved one.

Do not try to block out the memories or stop them, despite the pain you will experience while conjuring up those memories. The way he/she smiled, laughed, usually said something, usually did something, sang, whistled or hummed. That thing he/she did at Christmas one time or said during a family get together, at the dining table, at the staff party, while meeting with friends, at your parents' house etcetera. Ordinary moments you shared, like just watching television together, playing games, going someplace etcetera. Special moments you shared. My Dad taught me to play cards and we loved playing cards. We also went to church together each week.

We may not like to admit it but we all have idiosyncrasies or eccentricities that make us who we are but which somehow annoys someone. So you can even remember those annoying habits of your loved one. And you know what? Surprise! Somehow after death those annoying habits aren't as important. You just want your loved one back; annoying habits and all.

3. Write down the memories and share them.

If, like me, you're doing the eulogy, then write the memories down and share them in the eulogy or contribute them to the tributes being given by the person giving the eulogy or give the tribute yourself. This will be a fitting homage to your loved one as you share with all those who will be attending the funeral the many sides of your loved one that they may not have known or experienced.

We all bring out different qualities in a person - their funny side, creative side, loving side, protective side, etc. - and so your interaction with your loved one would have brought out one or more of their personality traits. Use the memories to ensure that the contributions of your loved one to life and living are fondly remembered.

4. Keep some special items that remind you of your loved one.

At first it will feel as though you cannot get rid of ANYTHING that belonged to your loved one. Do not worry. You have to start somewhere. Do not force yourself to throw away anything but as time goes by you have to be wise. Give away the clothes, for example, to charity or use what you can as part of your wardrobe. Then just keep a few precious and deeply meaningful items. That way you avoid the clutter, purposefully contribute towards your healing process and still have some vital keepsakes to remember your loved one.

My father's rosary was one of his cherished possessions that I kept in order to remember him. He said his rosary every night and so every time I use his rosary I am soothed by the feeling of him somehow being near me.

5. Beware of anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions.

When you think that you're all done crying and you have no more tears to cry, lo and behold, his/her birthday, some anniversary you shared, wedding anniversary or birthday or first date, first meeting, Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day, the anniversary of his/her death or "All Souls" day will come along and bring back all of the feelings of his/her loss as fresh as that first day. The first birthday, anniversary, etcetera, after your loved one's passing will be another tough point for you but do not worry you will get through it.

Just go back to step number one and cry some more. Let it all out and you will be experiencing healing no matter how painfully slow it seems. All those tears do not make you a weakling. All those tears mean that you are bringing healing to your spirit and moving closer towards closure. Not closure in the sense that you will forget that person but closure in terms of getting used to the fact that he/she is no longer around and that you need to keep him/her in a special place in your heart but not give up on living.

6. Get out there and live again.

Those memories and the pain and sorrow of the passing of your loved one may have knocked the wind out of you but don't let them kill you. Your loved one would be touched by your grief at his/her passing and how much he/she meant to you but they would want to see you get up and live out a very productive life. So make your loved one proud. Start going out and doing things once again. Join a club or society. Take up a sport. Learn to play an instrument. Learn a foreign language. Go on vacation to some place you always wanted to visit. Whatever you do, DO NOT sink into depression and withdraw from life and living.

Your grief makes you a very special person because as Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) so exquisitely says it, "Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them."

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